I always think it’s gonna get easier. I always think I’m past these feelings, that I’m better, that I’m used to it. I constantly play out the scene in my head long before it happens, having full confidence I can do it this time.
Nope. Once again I failed miserably.
Only in this area I don’t mind failing at all. In fact, maybe something would be wrong with me if I didn’t fail.
I went to Oxford, MS to be with my daughter on her 20th birthday. (She thinks that sounds old. I told her just wait until you are 47…) We enjoyed a weekend together, not doing much of anything except eating A LOT and yes, watching football. (Congrats, Mississippi State – y’all definitely deserve that #1 ranking after what I saw.)
Anyway, as with all visits, the time comes when one person has to leave to go back to where they came from. This time it was my turn to leave and I already had it pictured in my head – a quick hug and a kiss, I get into my car and drive out of town with a happy smile on my face.
That’s not exactly how it played out.
I hugged her a little too long. I really think that’s what started it because then I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to rewind the years back to when I brought her home from the hospital. (Ok, maybe not that far back – those first 6 weeks of new life are enough to make a saint lose her religion…) As I squeeze her with the death grip of a child squeezing her favorite teddy bear the tears start rolling, and I knew I had failed once again.
I fought them back as long as I could, which was about to the end of the parking lot. Good thing for me I had a 5 hour drive in front of me and I was wearing mascara. You can’t drive with mascara running down your face, getting in your eyes and covering your contacts. I should know.
So I had small outbursts of tears, wiped away with the one napkin I located in the glove box in my car. And I felt that depression looming large over me, like the ominous dark grey cloud that seemed to be following me out of Mississippi.
Somewhere around the Mississippi/Alabama state line my mood lifted.
Now it didn’t magically get better by itself, but my mood lifted because I poured out my heart to Jesus for a couple of hours and let Him work in my thoughts and in my spirit. My mood went from one of sadness and loneliness to one full of peace and joy. I can’t explain it except that I truly felt “the peace of God that transcends all understanding.” (Philippians 4:7)
So I’m a failure and proud of it. But I’m also victorious, because I claimed and experienced God’s peace when I surely couldn’t find it on my own.
So here’s my prayer for you all today: “May the Lord bless you and keep you; may the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; may the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” (Numbers 6:24-26)
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